July 30, 2001 - Rate Your (Potential) Mate

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Rate Your (Potential) Mate

By Stuart D. Kent
July 30, 2001 - Summer Fun Issue

Marriage is the end result of a female anxiety-filled trip that seems worse than a ride in an ambulance on the way to the emergency room. At least there is a siren and flashing red and white strobe lights to let you know you’re getting somewhere fast. Questions abound: “Who will I marry? What will he look like? Will he like the little wart on my chin—the one with three hairs growing out of it?” Relax, ladies. Just be happy if you find a guy who wears deodorant on a regular basis.

In reality, he must be living for God, but once you have found him, you can begin that endless list of preparations for the wedding of your dreams where the two of you will be immortalized in photographs of you in your bridal gown and him with a tiny (but for the most part unnoticeable) piece of pepperoni stuck in his teeth. “The wedding” and “the marriage” are two entirely different events and should be recognized as such. Never assume that your guy is actually interested in a wedding as much as wanting a life partner to wash his socks.

According to the 2000 census, many couples are bypassing the wedding altogether and going straight to the honeymoon. “Shacking up” jumped from approximately 3.2 million couples in 1980 to 5.5 million couples in 1990. That’s an increase of 72 percent in 10 years! So why is there a lack of commitment?

It’s simple. Check out one of the magazines at the grocery store—Men’s Health, for example—and read firsthand what today’s guy needs. The cover lists the top articles contained inside; the first, “Incredible Arms In Just Three Weeks”, is followed by “Rate Your Mate: Is She a Keeper?” These headlines are squeezed next to a photo of a shirtless guy whose stomach doesn’t show slightest signs of donut consumption in the last 20 years. I decided to glance at the “Rate Your Mate” article since I already have a six-pack. (Coke. Bought it yesterday.)

The title was actually “Have You Met Your Match? A Men’s Health Guide to a Lifetime of Sex—With Commitment.” Strange. I always thought love played some part in finding a mate, including falling in love and actively loving the one you fall in love with. I read the article’s outline, “Nine Things That Matter a Lot.” (Remember, this is a male magazine). She should:

· be tender
· be properly respectful of sports
· be loyal
· be able to process all the health insurance forms
· have a low pleasure threshold
· bust you (challenge you)
· be good at intimacy (‘whispers a lot’ is what the article states)
· be part tortoise, part hare.

No! No! No! That sounds like the way to find a good secretary, not a wife!

There it is ladies: the nine most important things that guys should think about before selecting you as their mate. (Guys who buy that particular magazine, anyway.) Yes, I understand that mate selection is more than finding someone for licensed sex, an idea banal and ridiculous, but apparently good enough to cause millions of couples to skip the license and go straight to the honeymoon.

Be of good cheer, ladies, for I am here to help you wade through the apathetic guy mentality that pervades the men of this new millennium—men who read magazines to learn how to build incredible arms in three weeks. I have come up with the proper criteria for you to consider when selecting your male mate. Print it out and paste it on your refrigerator so your friends and potential mate can see you mean business when it comes to any area of spousal selection.

Essentials For a Christian Male:

1. He should bathe at least once a day.
2. He should attend an Apostolic church on a consistent basis.
3. He should be able to spell your name correctly.
4. He should not have a criminal record (current).
5. He should be good at intimacy (Translated: should not burp while on the phone after midnight.)
6. He should know how to crank and troubleshoot a lawnmower or car.
7. He should be able to laugh at himself.
8. He should not use your Wedding magazine for a drink coaster.
9. He should never challenge your selection of colors of wall paint.
10. He should always put the lid down.

Remember what Paul stated in his letter to the Ephesians, “So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.” (Ephesians 5:28)

Unfortunately, a guy may not want to share his bag of potato chips with you, especially if it means getting out of the La-Z-Boy recliner. Pray for a mate who is willing to take care of you and share his time with you—then you won’t care about the chips.

As long as there is commitment to something greater than the marriage (God), there will always be something to fall back on. Especially the day you discover 13 pairs of dirty socks under the sofa; or when he forgets to call you to tell you he’s staying at work late; or when he makes you cry and you want to run home to Mommy. That way, your faith and his will be challenged, but the marriage can continue on rock solid after apologies are made and forgiveness is extended—even if he says “sorry” with pepperoni stuck between his teeth.

ninetyandnine.com

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Stuart D. Kent responds to fires calls, cardiac arrest calls, and e-mails at his job at the fire station. He has been married to the same lady for quite a while now. She fills out all the health insurance forms.