September 9, 2002 - Beauty or Ashes? The Search for Your Soul Mate

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Beauty or Ashes? The Search for Your Soul Mate

By Cara Baker and Jessica Leopold
September 9, 2002

Shopping for shoes is easy. Shopping for toothbrushes: electric or purple? Simple. Shopping for a car… hmm, better bring your dad along, just in case. Shopping for investors—getting more difficult by the day.

Shopping for a date? That depends. A one-time “Let’s go bowling and then hit Dairy Queen” rendezvous might be easy. However, even at this stage, dating should be done with the greatest of care. Whether you are ready for marriage or not, you will eventually date to find a life-long partner. Thus, every dating situation needs to be given careful consideration.

So you haven’t always used wisdom in dating relationships? If you’ve had to learn everything the hard way, by getting your heart broken and by breaking hearts, then the following guide is for you.

These ten semi-objective questions are vital to consider when pursuing realistic, godly romances. Though you may not answer “yes” to all of them, you should answer these questions honestly to keep a proper perspective. Maintaining a healthy perspective will save you the agony that comes from making poor choices.

1. Is (s)he living for God with all his/her heart, mind, soul, and strength?
Don’t think a person who doesn’t share your level of commitment to God will somehow eventually change. There is absolutely no room for compromise in this area; no addendums are allowed. If the answer to this is, “Well, she is really trying to live for God…” or “He just has some things to work out…” then the answer is NO and the rest of the list is null and void. Never cast your pearls before swine.

2. Is (s)he mission-minded? Does (s)he having a burden or a calling?
This will differ according to your own burdens or callings. Keep in mind how his/her ministry will mesh with yours. The important thing is that this person wants to be used in the kingdom of God.

3. Is (s)he self-aware, analytical of his/her spirituality and always trying to be a better person?
Finding someone who is transparent before the Lord and able to admit when (s)he is wrong is the mark of an honest person. Is (s)he striving to be more like Jesus?

4. Is (s)he a sensitive person? Does (s)he think about others the same or more than (s)he thinks about him/herself?
Though nobody wants to hook up with a jerk, the person you pair up with is a direct reflection on you. (S)he must be able to interact positively with other people in social situations. If your spouse is a jerk, people will think you’re a jerk.

5. Is (s)he a thinker? Does (s)he contemplate concepts, ideas, or new ways of doing things?
Forward movement is everything. As the saying goes, small-minded people talk about other people. Regular people talk about current events. But big-thinkers discuss concepts and ideas. If you are a member of the latter group, why in the world would you want to settle?

6. Is (s)he financially mature, putting God, the church, and the ministry first, and in terms of money, does (s)he think or plan for the future?
In our society, the leading cause of marital unrest is finances. Don’t forget to consider this aspect of life when choosing a mate, so you won’t find yourself suddenly married to a cool guy/gal who only briefly mentioned the $25,000 of debt left over from college and the credit cards. You didn’t realize how that could affect your marriage until now, and that’s a little too late.

7. Is (s)he honest, humble, and fun-loving?
Honesty is a foundational aspect of good relationships. Being humble and fun-loving makes a person easy to get along with. And laughter ensued by the joy of the Lord will ease many of life’s inevitable speed bumps.

8. Is (s)he a good communicator and a good listener?
Is it possible to have a relationship with someone who can’t communicate? Being able to communicate your own thoughts is half the battle. Being a good listener is vital.

9. Does (s)he view marriage as a partnership on every level, yet recognize the spiritual responsibility given to each partner as a husband/wife and a parent? Is (s)he able to take on that responsibility in the fear of God?
How exactly does your prospective mate see a marriage relationship? If she thinks she is enlisting in a Christian welfare program where (s)he sits at home all day eating bon-bons, this is something to consider. Likewise, if he thinks (as your husband), he can order you around like hired help, this is also something to consider.

10. Are you physically attracted to him/her? Does (s)he have that one physical quality you cannot live without in another person?
Some people are drawn to blue eyes. Others want their mate to have a certain height. Go on and look for what you want in your mate. Don’t settle, but don’t be unrealistic. Physical attractiveness is important, and for some people, there are no specific characteristics that are vital, merely an over-all attraction. Remember that what’s inside inevitably affects what’s outside.

The key benefit of this list in your life is perspective. When approached by an attractive and charismatic romantic interest, you probably tend to flick perspective away like a blood-sucking mosquito. And forget about reevaluating your perspective once you are emotionally attached to this interesting person. A popular tendency is to try to fit them into a mold of something they are not: “Sure, she buys a new $800 suit a week, but that’s how she exercises her creative energy—she really is responsible with money.”

By examining every romantic involvement in the light of an already established “Yes” List, you will avoid being blinded by the hormone-induced butterflies in your stomach. And remember, just because a person may fall outside the standards of your list doesn’t mean they sport the mark of Cain and you can never fall in love with them. But examine their flaws objectively. Most importantly, if you choose to nurse romantic feelings for someone who is obviously not right, you’re asking for deep hurt and frustration. That’s when you pick up the phone of regret and dial your old friend: perspective.

Last week: A Pentecostal Perspective on the Dating Game

Next week: Top Dating Blunders

ninetyandnine.com

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Cara Baker, 24, and Jessica Leopold, 22, wear similar glasses and have similar hair, eye, and skin tones. They also share a vision for the ministry of the creative arts in the church and a passion for God. However, they have very different tastes in men.