October 7, 2002 - Beauty or Ashes? How to Deal with a Breakup

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Beauty or Ashes? How to Deal with a Breakup

By Cara Baker and Jessica Leopold
October 7, 2002

The world stopped spinning. The birds stopped singing. Your true love curdled like month-old milk. As with all grieving, you will experience your post break-up trauma in stages. But guess what? You will overcome it all by the help and grace of God. You will emerge. You will go on living. You will work off those extra five pounds from living on ice cream. You will lose the glazed eyes and matted hair that constitutes the “I’ve-been-sitting-in-front-of-the-television-playing-video-games-for-days” look.

But first, deal with the pain.

Break Down

Your friends and family know how in love you were. They will not expect you to run around like an eager beaver 48 hours after your heart got ripped from its chest cavity. Take three to seven days (depending on the length of your relationship) to flat-out wallow in your misery. Cry yourself to sleep. Sleep with your mommy. Eat pint after pint after pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. If you try to suppress your sadness, you’re asking for emotional constipation. Guys are especially vulnerable to bottling up their emotions. Don’t be afraid to admit that you’re hurting, there is no shame in it.

Get a New Outlook

After a week you’ll slowly start to realize life exists outside of your former dreamboat. You will want to start showering and brushing your teeth at this point. (Your family will want this as well.) Although you’ll still be extremely sad, you will begin to experience a surge of motivation that comes with your new-found independence. Start locally with that energy and clean everything in sight. It’s therapeutic. Rearranging your furniture helps, too. Look into taking a night class at the local community college. Visit the store, restaurant, or art museum your boyfriend/girlfriend never wanted to patronize when you were dating. Travel. Do something out-of-the-ordinary to help convince yourself that you’re a still a legitimate member of the human race, even without your counterpart.

Cut off Contact

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They all say they want to be friends. This is not the time to develop that friendship. This is the time to adjust to life without him/her. Resist the urge to make random phone calls “Just to say hi.” Stop sending your daily emails to talk about the day’s activities. Communication during the immediate post-break up period will only prolong the agony. The ease of cutting off contact will depend on the location of your former sweetheart. Fortunately for those who date long distance, cutting off contact will be as easy as changing your screen name online. For those dating in your own church, this will be more difficult. Don’t go out of your way to avoid him/her, but don’t make a beeline to be the first to shake his/her hand after church. Go your way and talk no more. You aren’t being inconsiderate or rude by doing this. You’re being honest by not sending the wrong signals. And if you were the one getting the brush off, you are doing yourself a favor by not letting yourself look pathetic.

Gain Perspective

Up until now, you’ve pretty much been living in a pity-party mode. Now’s the time to get your mind off of your pain and to realize how blessed you are (Philippians 2:4). Go visit the hospital and nursing home with your church. Or go by yourself. Volunteer at a local soup kitchen. Cook dinner for a needy family; take it to their house and eat it with them. Get to know that young person in your youth group who doesn’t seem to fit in; become his/her friend. Remember that your identity and purpose was never meant to be wrapped within one person. God created you to be a minister. If you haven’t realized it until now, this is the time to discover and embrace your ministry.

Pray, Pray, Pray

The beautiful part about getting crushed is that God responds specifically to broken hearts. He looks for emptiness so He can pour Himself into you. Pour your heart and hurt out to Him every day. Just weep. Offer everything to Him. Lay it all out on the line. Tell Him how much you love Him and how you need nothing but Him in your life. Thank Him for His innumerable blessings in your life and ask Him to change your attitude and spirit. You’ll find that He alone is able to take a hurtful experience and redeem it for good (II Corinthians 1:4, Philippians 4:7, 19). Experience spiritual growth during this time. And if you haven’t done any of this until now, repent for thinking too much about yourself and not enough about Jesus.

Above All, Live and Learn

File away everything you’ve learned in this process and don’t ever forget it. Mistakes and wrong choices are not in vain when they provide knowledge and guidance for the inevitable next time. Be honest with yourself and be objective. Was (s)he really worth spending the rest of your life with? If so, then whatever problems exist will work themselves out with the help of the Lord.

Remember to invest yourself in things eternal, not things temporal (Colossians 3:2). Rededicate your life to the Lord and watch Him lead you into the next season of your life.

Last week: Deciphering Break-up Code

ninetyandnine.com

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Jessica Leopold, 22, sends messages to Cara Baker, 24, in the middle of Cara’s busy workday to address important issues like earthquakes in Fiji, Waterdeep songs, and cute red-headed boys. Cara answers in code so that she appears to be working.