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September 1, 2003 Dear Gabby, I’m 26 years old and have gone to the same church three times a week (or more) for my whole life. It has seen me through the death of my grandparents and parents. I love my church and most of the people who worship there. After my parents died, and my brother got married, something sinister started happening to me. Untrue rumors started popping up with my name on them and people believed them. I have been accused of sleeping with my pastor's son, taking part of the youth group to an R-rated movie, and lying. I am close to an outcast in my own church. I can’t talk to certain people and when I tried to explain the latest incident, I was told not to waste my time. The only person who used to stand up for me recently died. It’s true that most of my friends at church are in their late teens and are more like my siblings than my peers. People tell me I need to grow up. But, I’m lonely. I have no close friends near my age in town. My state has no singles ministry and youth rallies tend to be for the under-20 crowd. Our church doesn’t fellowship with any others. We don’t visit anywhere else and no one visits us. My pastor has made it clear that he wants me and the other females of marrying age to stay in his church where he can watch over us, but has recently stated he would introduce us around if we went to General Conference. While I appreciate his thoughtfulness and his protection, it hasn’t exactly done me any good so far. So, my dear Gabby, what advice can you give a girl who has come so close to giving up? How do I get myself out there and make some new friends? How do I turn the tide of disbelief and disrespect bowling me over? At times, I feel it would be better not to be in church at all, instead of fight all the people who cheer my failings. Lonely in Larimore
Dear Lonely in Larimore, Handsome old Jimmy Cooper and I went back to college last year. He lives in the neighboring retirement community and the two of us decided that needed to do something new in our lives—besides just talking to each other on the phone—to keep our ancient minds sharp. So we went together to the community college nearby and each signed up for two courses. We had decided in advance, that we’d each study things that we knew nothing about. So, Jimmy, who had spent his working years as an architect, signed up for speech and pottery. I took speech many years ago when I was young and since I never run out of words, that one didn’t interest me at all. And since I hate dirt under my fingernails, pottery didn’t sound fun either. So, I chose more academic-type courses. Sociology sounded interesting. And I’d heard a crazy rumor that algebra was a form of math that combined numbers and letters. That sounded unlikely to me, so I signed up for it to see if the rumor was true. Sociology wasn’t bad. It was a lot of reading, some writing, and quite a bit of discussion in class. All that was easy for me. But, I have to admit that algebra and I didn’t get along at all. I fought against it. I mean, I understand how you add two apples to two apples, but how on earth does someone add two y’s to two x’s? I just couldn’t comprehend it. Jimmy’s gorgeous blue eyes twinkled at me when I complained about the unlikely equations they were trying to teach me in that class. He’d mastered algebra so many years ago that he couldn’t understand why everyone didn’t understand it. I was almost distracted by the twinkles, but not quite. We went around and around—the two of us, as well as the teacher and me. Even Stanley’s great grandson, who was taking the same class in high school, tried to help me. But I couldn’t accept the concepts. I couldn’t understand how any of it mattered to me—especially at almost 100 years old! I was very tempted to drop the class. I almost did, too, until I heard a sermon at church. The visiting evangelist that morning had no idea that the ancient lady in the second row (sitting by the youth group) was struggling in college. (He probably thought my biggest struggle was in finding my trifocals so I could search for my false teeth each morning.) The preacher asked the rhetorical question to the congregation, “Are you struggling with something in your life right now?” “Yep,” I thought to myself—and then noticed the kid next to me looking at me sharply. I must’ve spoken out loud. I don’t believe the preacher heard me, though, because he repeated the question (as preachers tend to do.) “Is there some problem in your life you’re struggling with?” This time, I only nodded, waiting impatiently for the third repetition. (Preachers always repeat important things three times.) “What is happening in your life right now that you’re struggling with?” “Come on, come on,” I thought to myself, “Get to the answer!” “Sometimes,” the reverend said, “we struggle because we don’t want to learn the lesson we’re supposed to learn.” And then, for the next half hour or so, he talked about how God sometimes put struggles in our lives just to see what we’re made of. He gives us tests (just like at college!) and if we don’t pass the tests, we have to repeat the lessons until we do. We flunk in life, just like in school, until we’re able to master all the concepts. “What is God trying to teach you?” the preacher asked. That sounded important to me so I wondered if he’d repeat it two more times. He did repeat it—but not just two times, he said it eleven more times! (The kid beside me and I counted.) And, by the end of the morning, I’d gotten the message! It didn’t matter whether or not I understood the letters and the numbers together in algebra. It didn’t matter if none of the ideas made sense to me. What mattered was learning to solve the equations, passing the tests, and staying with the class until I got my grade in the end. My dear Lonely, it sounds like you’re having many struggles in your life, too. Yours are much more important than my college class, but I think my experience with algebra could help you, or at least give you some direction. Your difficulties are varied and so are your solutions. However, I’m not going to solve your equations for you. That’s your job. I just want you to know that if you can make the decision to learn the lessons God is trying to teach you through your struggles, then the more specific questions will be easier to answer. One thing I will say to you is that it’s never right to drop out of your life class before the final exam. If you leave God’s family before the end, you’ll never have the opportunity to get your final reward. What was my reward for algebra? Even though I struggled, I got better grades in both my classes than handsome Jimmy Cooper did in his! Sincerely Sincere, Gabby
ninetyandnine.com © 2003, ninetyandnine.com --------- Gabrigail VanBurden has been offering advice for longer than most of you have been alive. Email your practical Apostolic life questions to Gabby@ninetyandnine.com and be prepared for some straight answers! |
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