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Print Four days before her 600-guest wedding was to take place, Jennifer Wilbanks ran away. She didn’t tell her fiancé, her mother, her friends, or anyone else where she was going. She just ran away. They understandably feared the worst and launched a huge search party to find her. Her mother appeared in the media, tearful and distraught over what she was afraid had happened to her daughter. Meanwhile, Jennifer was miles away from her Duluth, Georgia home, in Las Vegas and Albuquerque, seemingly callous to the pain she was causing her family. How could she do it? In a small way, I can almost understand. Earlier this year, all at once, everything became overwhelming. It wasn’t any one thing, but rather the overloaded combination of juggling a marriage, motherhood, a household, a career, a Wednesday night small group, a marriage enrichment small group, writing this column, friendships, theoretical “me” time, and just life in general. None of it was fun anymore. The things that used to bring me joy suddenly came to feel like a dozen parasites attached to my body, sucking the life force out of me. Driving home on I-35 south from work one day, I thought, “If I keep driving, I could make it to Mexico by nightfall.” It sounds comical now (particularly given the fact I couldn’t have made it to Austin by dark, much less Mexico), but it felt so real at the time. I fantasized about rolling down the windows, turning up some decidedly un-Christian music, putting the pedal to the metal, and leaving it all behind. My entire life I’ve always done the right thing and lived a good, godly life because it was what I wanted to do. Never did I have to deal with any kind of inner struggle about whether I would serve the Lord because it has always been my heart’s desire to live my life for Him. But for some reason, this time my emotions refused to line up with what I knew was right. This wasn’t just a fleeting moment of being overwhelmed; this feeling lasted for days. I yearned to be free from the constraints of all my responsibilities, and I didn’t know how to make that desire go away. In her statement Jennifer said, “I was simply running from myself and from certain fears controlling my life.” I understand what she’s saying. Yet as Jennifer is learning the hard way, running doesn’t solve anything. Running from fears and from yourself doesn’t work because you are going to be you and you are going to have the same fears and problems whether you are in Georgia or Las Vegas. Knowing this, I (obviously) didn’t run. The Lord sent many messages to me through preaching both at church and on the radio. Messages that told me, “If you don’t stretch your capacity to receive God’s blessings, then you will destroy those blessings because you aren’t able to hold on to them.” Messages that said, “When you get out of the will of God, you lose His protection and all bets are off as to what evil may come your way.” Messages that stated, “When you’ve done all you can and you can’t do any more, just stand.” So I stood, weak-kneed and sick to my stomach, but still standing. Right now, I would like to share with you the three magical bullet points that I followed to recapture my joy and peace. Except there are no magical bullet points, no five-step program to fix the problem. Things got better as I kept standing like I was reminded to do. I confided in a couple of close godly friends who reassured me that it wasn’t crazy to feel this way and who helped me figure out what the core issue was so I could deal with the real problem rather than the symptoms. I reminded myself that my first love, before my daughter and before my husband, has always been Jesus since my earliest memory, and I know that will never change. Through it all, I kept attending church and continued to fulfill my responsibilities at work, at home, and in my ministries. And as I stood, God gave me strength and my joy returned. A couple of weeks ago, Bro. Stephen Judd from Tupelo Children's Mansion preached a great message at our church in which he made the following statement: “Many Christians are like bored school children, watching the clock for time to go outside. If you are like that, you may as well be outside.” His statement is profound and correct when it comes to the state of your heart. If your heart is in rebellion but your body is in the right place (e.g., at church), then it is the same as if your body were in rebellion, too. But I submit to you that if your heart is in rebellion, at least keep your physical body in the right place. Whatever problems you have will only be multiplied many times over by removing yourself from the protection of God. Jennifer Wilbanks came home to the exact same problems she had before, but then in addition she had to deal with a whole new set of problems, including possible criminal charges and the anger of an entire community. If you are going through something similar to what I experienced, remember it isn’t always a bad thing to just go through the motions. Continue doing what you know to be right, even if your heart isn’t in it. And most of all, continue attending church because your greatest chance at getting your heart back into submission is to keep your body where it should be. In other words, when you have done all you know to do and you can’t do anything else, just stand.
ninetyandnine.com © 2005, Leann Guzman ----- Leann Guzman is ninetyandnine.com’s “Family / Work Issues” columnist. If you have suggestions on topics to explore, email her at Family@ninetyandnine.com. |
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