June 27, 2005 - Sustained! Choosing The Right Spouse: An Open Letter to My Sister

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Sustained!
Choosing The Right Spouse: An Open Letter to My Sister
By Leann Guzman
June 27, 2005

My sister, Sarah, just graduated high school this year. (Hooray, Sarah!) For her graduation present, I did a book for her called Life Lessons and asked family and friends to write letters to her on certain topics. I gave myself the topic of choosing the right spouse.

Sarah,

I’m so proud of you for finishing high school. I know it hasn’t been an easy time for you, but, as with so many things in life, sometimes the key is just to persevere and get the thing over with so you don’t have to deal with it anymore!

Your future holds many fun and difficult decisions. As Pastor says, the decision about whom to marry is the second most important decision you will ever make, second only to your decision to follow Christ.

If you make the decision to follow Him, He will guide you to the right person at the right time. In this letter, I’ll try to point out a few things to look for in a man that will help you follow the Lord’s guidance in choosing the right mate.

The number one is to find one who holds similar values and spiritual beliefs as you. In reality, the Bible doesn’t talk a lot about how to choose a mate because so often in Bible times the marriages were arranged. However, the Bible does speak clearly and often on the topic of choosing your friends and who you spend your time with. And since your spouse will be your closest friend (another good trait to look for), these Scriptures are applicable to choosing a husband.

Paul said, “Don't team up with those who are unbelievers. How can goodness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?” (II Corinthians 6:14, NLT). You are very strong in your faith, but, if you choose to marry someone who doesn’t hold your belief in God, who is ambivalent about the existence of God, or who doesn’t place the same priority as you do on living for God, you will be miserable.

It is imperative that you marry someone who is capable of leading you and your household spiritually. And your husband will never be capable of leading you if he doesn’t believe the same way you do. Sarah, you are faithful to the house of God, and you have a relationship with the Lord now. But let me tell you, something happens when you get married; you become bound to that person in a way you don’t realize possible. If he doesn’t lead you spiritually, for some reason it becomes 20 times more difficult to walk even in the same path you did before you were married. It is incredibly difficult for the wife to step up and lead the family spiritually because God did not equip her for this. It is not her job, and it should not ever be your job.

Jonny did not lead our home spiritually at first, but I knew he was capable of doing it because for so many years he attended church even without his parents attending. I saw his deep love for the Lord, which he had before we ever began dating. He was so sensitive to spiritual matters. And when we discussed the Bible, we held the same beliefs on many, many different things. We didn’t agree on everything, but we agreed on all the important things.

Eventually the newness of every relationship wears off (yes, every relationship), and then what you are left with is a partnership and a friendship with a person whom (hopefully) you love deeply.

Your relationship will be like the parable of the wise man and the foolish man who both built a house. If you are wise, you will build your marriage on the foundation of Christ; then, when the storms come (and they always come), your marriage will stand firm and not be destroyed. It may have a few nicks here and there, a busted window or some shingles blown off the roof, but those are all repairs that can be made if you and your husband work together through Christ.

Be sure the man you marry is a man of character and good morals. Even if he believes everything you do about God, if he doesn’t stand for what he believes and act on those beliefs, then his walk with God and his relationship with you will be worthless. An elder in our church always told his boys to marry someone with character and not for their relationship with God. I disagree on the last part, but his point was even if that person’s relationship with God weakens or falters, they will still be a good person and be a good spouse.

Most of all, and I’m only partially kidding on this point, make sure Jonny and I, and Mom and Dad, like the guy. We joke a lot about how Jonny won’t ever like anyone you bring home, but that’s not true. If you bring home a man who will be good to you and respect you, who loves the Lord, who will provide for you and be a good husband, then Jonny will like him. (And it would help if he likes PS2 and maybe hunting and fishing, too.) Seriously, whether your family likes a person is a good indicator on whether he is right for you. When I was dating, I prayed that one of the ways God would show me who the right person was would be that my family would really like him. And God answered that prayer.

Sometimes when you are in love with someone, and you know deep down that it’s not really the right person for you to marry, it’s hard to do the right thing and break off the relationship. Joyce Meyer says that sometimes the present thing is the greatest enemy to what God has for your future. This is true with relationships. The person you are with in the present, even though you love him, could be the greatest enemy to what God has for your future. Only God knows what is in store for your future, and He will tell you when a relationship is the right one. You really will just “know” when it’s right.

I pray that you will wait until it is right and until you just “know.” Sarah, I congratulate you on your graduation. You have so much to look forward to in the future, and the best is yet to come.

ninetyandnine.com

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Leann Guzman is ninetyandnine.com’s “Family / Work Issues” columnist. If you have suggestions on topics to explore, email her at Family@ninetyandnine.com.