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Sustained!
LORD, PROTECT MY CHILD FROM HARM, AKA, ME
By Leann Guzman
December 12, 2005

I hesitate to write about this for fear someone who knows me will turn me in to the child welfare department.  But let me just say I'm so thankful for all the times the Lord has saved my poor child from her absent-minded, neglectful, borderline-bad mother.  "Oh no," you think, "Surely she’s exaggerating.”  Just wait.  Let me produce my evidence, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before you decide whether or not I exaggerate.

The Evidence
(1)  When my daughter was about six months old, she was in her walker in the bathroom while I was taking one of those speed-demon showers that all new mothers must take if they have any hope of ever being clean.  She “walked” just out of my sight, got a hold of my ivy plant and ate part of it.  I would have never believed she could reach it.  I was wrong.  I had the distinct pleasure of having to call poison control for the first time in my life.  They carefully took down my name and number, probably in case I called again so they could turn me in.

(2)  At about nine months old, she was on my bed while I was standing across the room and toppled over the footboard onto her head.  On.  her.  head.

(3)  When she was about a year and a half, she was sitting on the counter in the bathroom while I fixed my hair, and I glanced down and she had Jonny's razor and was doing what she had seen him do and had it on her face.  By some miracle, she did not cut herself.

(4)  About three months ago, we were leaving for school, and she happened to mention to me that she had no shoes on.  Oh.  That would be good.  Put shoes on my daughter.  What a novel idea.

(5)  About two months ago, she was sitting on the counter in the kitchen, where she always sits when I cook dinner.  (It's a great way for us to spend time together after work and school.)  I had left her on the counter after chopping up some onion, went over to the stove to put the onion in the skillet, and turned around to see her with the extremely sharp kitchen knife trying to chop a potato.  Dear God.

(6)  And now we are up to about two weeks ago.  We go out to the garage, put her in the car seat, put her shoes on her (they were in the car and hey, I remembered this time), went back in to get all our stuff, came out, drove down the street and around the corner to McDonald's, went through the drive thru, pulled out at the red light, and hand her food to her.  Then she starts whining about how she can't eat her biscuit because of her buckle.  What is she talking about?  I look around and she is not buckled in!  Thankfully, I was already stopped at the red light, so I reached back and buckled her in.  Dear God, again.

I’m Not the Only One
After the last incident, I was brave enough to share my shortcomings as a mother with several other mothers who are my friends and family.  Thankfully, no one thought I was a bad parent.  In fact, one young mother told me she was glad I shared these stories because she thought it was just her daughter who needed protection from her mother.  But no, it seemed most every mother had at least one similar story.

One mother also had failed to buckle her child in, and didn’t discover it until she turned a sharp corner and her daughter’s seat turned over sideways.  The baby laughed and thought it was funny, while the mother almost had a heart attack.

Another mother told a story about one time when her husband was in the hospital and she was more than a little distracted with everything that was happening.  She had been up at the hospital for hours, went home to grab some stuff, and left her daughter locked in the car in the circular driveway since she was just going in for a second.  When she came out seconds later, the car wasn’t where she had left it.  She had a sick moment of fear that someone had stolen the car.  But then she saw the car over to her right slightly off the driveway where it had rolled because she forgot to place the gear in park.

Yet another mother said she had left her daughter on a bed at her mother’s house thinking she’d be fine because the baby couldn’t roll over yet, only later to hear muffled crying because she had rolled over and was wedged between the mattress and the headboard.

One Free Pass (Plus Some)
The writer of the The Girlfriends' Guide to Toddlers says God gives each of us one free pass where we do something stupid but our children somehow don't get hurt.  I think I've used my free pass and then some.  And the above stories show that I’m not the only one.

Say a prayer for my daughter that God will protect her from harm, also known as Leann.

Postscript
I’m willing to bet you have some funny or scary stories about close calls with your kids.  Email them to me and, with your permission, I might feature them in a future column.  Of course, I won’t mention your name, so you don’t have to worry about the state coming to knock on your door.

ninetyandnine.com

© 2005, Leann Guzman

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Leann Guzman is ninetyandnine.com’s “Family / Work Issues” columnist. If you have suggestions on topics to explore, email her at Family@ninetyandnine.com.