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Call Me Jonah February 11, 2008 by Chantell Smith Now the word of the Lord came unto Jonah the son of Amittai,
saying, Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and cry against it; for their
wickedness is come up before me. But Jonah rose up to flee unto Tarshish from
the presence of the Lord . . . (Jonah 1:1-2). Call me a checklist addict. Once I got an idea in my head that I was going to do
something, I wrote it on my proverbial checklist, and I did everything in my
power to achieve it. My checklist worked. I got used to things working out my way. I got used to
relying on myself to make sure they did. That is, until God made sure that they
didn't. He broke me of my checklist addiction for good. Blame it on
wanderlust. Or blame it on my insistence on doing things my way. In May 2006, I was seeking the will of God on how to go about
furthering my education. I was facing the prospect of balancing full-time
teaching and part-time school as I worked towards a Master's in Spanish. That
was not the way I wanted to do it. I wanted to quit my job and jump headlong
into a graduate program far away from the syrupy sweet confines of Alabama. However, God confirmed to me on several occasions that He
wanted me to go ahead with school part-time at a college a 45-minute commute
away while I continued to work. But God, do You know what a hassle that will be? A Master of Arts in Spanish is not exactly conducive to a teacher's schedule--I won't even have the option of taking most of the classes because of the times they're offered. Driving back and forth is going to be a pain, and I'll have to balance all that with planning for and teaching hyperactive kids all day. Seriously, God. I went so far as to talk to the graduate program director; who assured me that I could do it and encouraged me to take classes that summer. But did I?
Later on that May, I became star-struck with the intoxicating
idea of applying to a school in another state, and that school only. I became
fixated on the idea of going to that particular school. It was what I wanted,
despite confirmation that what God wanted was something else. But did it stop
me? I was set on doing it my way. Around November 2006, I began feverishly filling out
applications, carefully procuring letters of reference, and painstakingly
applying for financial aid. I spent an excruciating several months waiting for results.
After a while, checking the mailbox evolved into a knee-weakening,
adrenaline-laden event--I was suffocating from a maddening mix of expectation
and uncertainty. One by one, letters from said university came rolling in. The
first was a letter regretfully informing me that I hadn't won a certain
scholarship. Another confirmed the same for another scholarship I'd applied
for. I dug in my heels. If there's a will, there's a way. I refused to
give up the fight until I knew that I'd been accepted to the program. Bear in mind that I was used to succeeding. I believed that if I wanted something badly enough, nothing
would stop me. I would mentally list the instances where I achieved whatever
goal I'd passionately sought after. Why would this time be any different? Even as my place of
employment was ablaze with rumors of my future plans, I was assured, “You know
you'll get in. We'll sure hate to lose you.” As the months wore on, my resolve wore thin. In March 2007,
it was finally broken when I received an email where I was regretfully informed
for the last time: I didn't get in. For what seemed the first time in a very
long time, I tasted failure. Once the news broke, the assurances turned into a
lighthearted, “Hey, sorry you didn't get in, but at least we get to have you for
one more year!” Yippee. Call me Jonah. After I came to, I realized how much that Nineveh-evader of
old was me. Foolishly telling God, “I don't wanna” isn't going to make Him
change His mind. And going out of your way to escape His will to fulfill your
own only lands you in a great fish's belly. But there's something about
catapulting out of the belly of a great fish that makes us change our will to
line up to His. After I dusted myself off, I applied to the school God was
directing me to in the first place, hoping that it wouldn't be too late for me
to start taking summer courses. Doors flew open. Not only was I accepted, but I was offered a fellowship (that
I didn't even apply for) which I had to turn down because of my choice to
continue working full time. God brushed aside my concerns of being able to pay
for my education on my own, while living completely independently for the first
time. I haven't had to take out a single loan. I've found that I'm
actually adept at taking classes and working at the same time. This coming
summer, I will realize my dream of going back to Spain. And as it stands, everything is set for me to start full-time
in the fall, all expenses paid. Me: Um, God? Maybe I should have listened to You in the first place. God: Yeah, you think? As if you could've gone wrong somehow. © 2008, Chantell Smith ------ Chantell Smith has cast off Jonah's mantle while plowing through her third year of teaching Spanish in Montgomery, AL. |
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